Inside the mind of Tilly

Celebration

Not only am I celebrating Graduation but, I am also celebrating two days in a row without purging! this is really big fro some one who on average purges 4-6 times a day and on a bad day 7+

Yay! Good day(:

All that I know is I don’t know how to be something you miss.

Panic Attack#51

Just a normal school day, so I think.

I make my way to the bathroom 1st hour. I have to purge I have to… 

I make my way towards the stall and gab my finger down my throat as far as I can go until it hurts… I cough… Cough again.

Finally.

This isn’t good enough.

I cough… Cough again.

Still not good enough.

As I attempt to reach my finger down my throat one one time I watch my hands start to shake.

My heart starts racing.

The rooms spins around me.

My ribs hurt… They really hurt.

I can’t breath. I can’t breath!

I crawl my way out of the stall and try and make my way towards the door. My eyes are filled with dark splotches that keep getting bigger and bigger until I can’t see. I pass out on the bathroom floor. 

A while later I regain consciousnesses and make my way back to class.

I walk in and motion for Elyse to come outside with me. 

I can feel one coming on I tell her. 

Heart begins to race.

Hands begin to shake.

Body begins to tingle.

I can’t breath again.

I hear Elyse call for the sub and she calls the nurse.

I pass out and wake up to the mean nurse wanting to talk to me about my chickens… As much as I love them I don’t want to talk about my dang chickens right now.

Panic Attack#50

Oh gosh… I can’t take this stress.

Thoughts spinning. Hearts racing.

“Tilly do you need to go to the nurse?” Mrs Stacy asks as she shes me struggling to breath.

I better not have a panic attack… Not in here. There are so many people in here. I don’t want them all staring at me.

I ask to go out in the hall.

I make my way out into the hall and lean on the lockers.

My heart is pounding. My hands are tingling. I can’t breath. I can’t see.

All of a sudden I’m on the floor, gasping for air.

I hear My teacher “Tilly, I’m going to call the nurse. Okay?”

Her words sound fuzzy and burred as I try and piece them together.

Stars fill my eyes till I’m passed out again…

I wake to the mean nurse hitting at my hand.

Ugh… Not again.

And then I…

My mother looks at me, “Tilly, you’ve really put on some weight since we left Dads.”

In the back of my mind I’m thinking yeah I look normal now… before I was 20lbs underweight…

I respond ” I know.”

“I don’t think you’re going to be able to fit in your dress we got over the summer for the spring tea next weekend. I can’t afford to buy you a new dress so you better pray it fits. Try it on.”

I slip on the dress but, the zipper gets stuck.

She attempts to pull up the zipper then slaps her arms down to her side is disgust “Yep, It doesn’t fit.”

Immediately I heard the words of my fathers voice rolling through my head. “Tilly, did you get a work out in today?” “No dinner for you I don’t think you worked out hard enough.” ” Having dinner isn’t going to make you any thinner.” “Why don’t you head on up to the gym again, you need to watch your weight.”

My mother looking at me in disgusts shakes her head then walks out.

I throw off the dress and make my way towards the bathroom…

In tears, I stare at the toilet and make my way towards it.

Cough

Cough

This is the only way to you make you thinner.

Don’t you want to be pretty?

You deserve this.

I wipe off my mouth and rub the tears from my eyes, put on my running shoes and run until it hurts.

Panic Attack#49

My hands start to shake as I make my way to the bathroom.

“You can do it Tilly, you’re fine.” I tell myself this over and over again out of hopes that if I say it enough I will start to believe it. “You’re not going to have a panic attack, Tilly. You’re going to be okay.”

My heart is pounding.

I need a stress reliever. I need to destress fast.

I make way way to the stall, stab my finger down my throat and watch my stress go away…

Confession time, I believe my readers that are looking for help from me want to know the real me and my story. Someone that’s going to be brave and tell all the personal stuff even if it’s hard. Truth is I’m bulimic.

I cough and cough again.

As I make my way to the sink my world starts spinning. I fall to the ground gasping for air.

Crawling towards the bathroom door and I reach for the handle, pull myself up with it then try and make my way to class.

I can’t see a thing everything’s dark. My feet are turning numb as I attempt to walk.

Mr. Henry walking down the hallway notices me leaning on the wall”Are you okay?”

I shake my head no.

“Where are you headed too?”

“AP Music theory.”

I fall to the ground. I can’t breath.

The sounds of Mr. Henry s voice become faint as he calls to Miss Lea.

Stars fill my vision, followed by black blotches till I can’t see.

My life flashes before my eyes as I gasp for air. Then I’m out.

Passed out in the hallway… What everybody wants to be doing during school…

I wake to the mean nurse hitting at my face, as if that’s going to help me. I try to sit up, but I’m too weak. I fall to the floor again.

My head is pounding and my legs are tingleing…

This sucks. :/

Bulimia is a disease so don’t make fun of me for it. If you wanna say jokes or rude things don’t say them to me. I know that I’m sick but, I’m going to get better. Anyone rude enough to say crap, there’s not much hope for you to get better.

you-had-me-at-hello-28 asked: If you need anything, just know that I'm always there! Love you♥

Thanks(: <3

Last time I had a panic attack was a week ago! #getting better