Inside the mind of Tilly

All anxiety is caused by something could be big or small.

I had such bad anxiety I had panic attacks sometimes more than twice a day that would throw me into seziures and I would have to be hospitalized.

All of that was caused by my anxiety. Which was caused by an addiction of approval.

I had to have others approval if I didn’t, I hated myself.

Now I know that I know I have God’s approval no matter what. And that’s all that I need. He is enough for me. He is  more than enough for me.

It’s been 92 days since my last panic attack.

I can’t believe I ate all that.

I have to get it out of me.

Cough.Cough.

Not enough.

Cough. Cough.

More.

Cough. Cough.

I feel my heart racing.

I look at my hands as they start to shake.

It gets harder to breath and harder.

I can’t control myself or my body anymore.

I’m gasping for air and shaking.

Please no one come in here.

Panic.

I hate being too afraid to sit in the cafeteria because I’m afraid I’ll have a panic attack there. While everyone is watching.

I get anxiety about having people watch me eat.

If their not eating I’m not.  

What will they think if I eat too much?

Or too little?

Or too fast?

Too slow?

What if I forget to bring a lunch and theres no money in my account?

Will they think I’m anorexic? 

What if they find out I purge. 

All of these thoughts give me anxiety.

I can’t eat in public. I just can’t.

When people think you’re freaking out to get attention.

For some reason society and the media see them as

a girl with stress and fears. But, their stresses and fears don’t last long. The “popular hot guy” sweeps them off their feet and helps them. Then their all better.

In reality 

it’s some one hyperventilating on the floor, with racing thoughts, having feelings of a heart attack. They aren’t attractive and they DO NOT attack attention from “popular hot guys”.